Arranging the Flowers

“There is scarcely anything more difficult than to love one another. That it is work, day labor, day labor, God knows there is no other word for it. And look, added to this is the fact that young people are not prepared for such difficult loving; for convention has tried to make this most complicated and ultimate relationship into something easy and frivolous, has given it the appearance of everyone’s being able to do it. It is not so. Love is something difficult and it is more difficult than other things because in other conflicts nature herself enjoins men to collect themselves, to take themselves firmly in hand with all their strength, while in the heightening of love the impulse is to give oneself wholly away. But just think, can that be anything beautiful, to give oneself away not as something whole and ordered, but haphazard rather, bit by bit, as it comes? Can such giving away, that looks so like a throwing away and dismemberment, be anything good, can it be happiness, joy, progress? No, it cannot…. When you give someone flowers, you arrange them beforehand, don’t you? But young people who love each other fling themselves to each other in the impatience and haste of their passion, and they don’t notice at all what a lack of mutual esteem lies in this disordered giving of themselves; they notice it with astonishment and indignation only from the dissension that arises between them out of all this disorder. And once there is disunity between them, the confusion grows with every day; neither of the two has anything unbroken, pure, and unspoiled about him any longer, and amid the disconsolateness of a break they try to hold fast to the semblance of their happiness (for all that was really supposed to be for the sake of happiness). Alas, they are scarcely able to recall any more what they meant by happiness. In his uncertainty each becomes more and more unjust toward the other; they who wanted to do each other good are now handling one another in an imperious and intolerant manner, and in the struggle somehow to get out of their untenable and unbearable state of confusion, they commit the greatest fault that can happen to human relationships: they become impatient.” ~ Rilke

Sent to me by my Wife.

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Spooky Quantum Poly

Quantum entanglement occurs when particles such as photons, electrons, molecules as large as “buckyballs” interact physically and then become separated; the type of interaction is such that each resulting member of a pair is properly described by the same quantum mechanical description (state), which is indefinite in terms of important factors such as position, momentum, spin, polarization, etc.

Now let’s look at Polyamory. substitute the photons, electrons and molecules for relationship partners and accept that the principle is that these partners have been interacting physically.  As with all Polyamorous relationships there are many times when all partners are not together at the same time. In fact this is usually the case.  Rarely are all three or more partners interacting simultaneously in any one given space at the same given time. Therefore the prescribed separation described in Quantum entanglement takes place often.

In addition, as Communication is a crucial element of Polyamory, the measurement and description of each particle, or partner in this case, is known.  It is crucial that each partner is described fully to the other partner so that informed and consensual relationships and entanglements can take place.  Therefore when one partner is “measured”, “quantified” and communicated to the other partner there is a subsequent entanglement between the other otherwise none-related partner. There is a knowing.

The measured property of the partner such as their “spin”, as in particles, is known by the interacting partner and is communicated. In addition the “spin” of the other partner is communicated to other partners and finally all partners are aware of the known measured “spins” of all. Even without actually interacting.  All partners are then intrinsically entangled again without possibly having met and interacted.  

This could be aptly described by the further principle of Quantum “Entanglement Swapping” and the principle of Quantum “Teleportation”.

Teleportation can be applied not just to pure states, but also mixed states, that can be regarded as the state of a single subsystem of an entangled pair. The so-called entanglement swapping is a simple and illustrative example.

If Alice has a particle which is entangled with a particle owned by Bob, and Bob teleports it to Carol, then afterwards, Alice’s particle is entangled with Carol’s.

A more symmetric way to describe the situation is the following: Alice has one particle, Bob two, and Carol one. Alice’s particle and Bob’s first particle are entangled, and so are Bob’s second and Carol’s particle:

Alice-:-:-:-:-:-Bob1 -:- Bob2-:-:-:-:-:-Carol

Now, if Bob performs a projective measurement on his two particles in the Bell state basis and communicates the results to Carol, as per the teleportation scheme described above, the state of Bob’s first particle can be teleported to Carol’s. Although Alice and Carol never interacted with each other, their particles are now entangled.

To pursue this principle in terms of Poly we can illustrate Entanglement Swapping this way:

Bob has two partners.  One of his partners, Bob1, is entangled with Alice.  The other of Bob’s partners, Bob2,  is entangled with Carol.  As is often the case, and surely when a fluid bond is sought out, there is a quantification or “measurement” of Bob’s two partners.  The information is calculated and transmitted, or “teleported”, to the Alice and Carol and as thus Carol is entangled then with Bob 1, Alice is entangled with Bob 2, and as well, Carol and Alice are also entangled. Even though Alice and Carol may not have interacted at all and even though there may be a significant physical distance between Carol and Alice, just as in the entanglement principle of quantum particles.

The entanglement of the partners or particles was described by Einstein as being “spukhafte Fernwirkung” or “spooky action at a distance”.  This is because the entangled particles can influence each other even over a large distance.  As such what happens to Alice can effect what happens to Carol and Bob’s partners in the middle and Bob. 

This is truly Spooky.

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A Professional Opinion

Today I had my Mental Health session at the Mental Health Clinic.

It is something that my Wife and Aglaia and my Doctor have requested and I was keen to do it.

I arrived early for the appointment and sat in the large waiting area after giving all of my vital information to the receptionist. Finally a middle-aged and soft-spoken woman came out to greet me and we ventured through the winding halls to her office.  Inside there was another woman waiting patiently.

The office was equipped with comfy chairs and soft lighting and woodcuts roughly framed so that they gave the impression that perhaps the Doctor’s husband or son had done them and she was haphazardly displaying them. Maritime themes all of them.

The older lady spoke with a very soft and soothing voice and lulled me, as I expect is the purpose, into a state of security. The other lady simply sat and smiled and watched.

“So… I guess the first question would be: why have you come to us?”

I have been dealing with Depression for some time now.  For the past four years at least.  Sometimes it has been debilitating and there have been thoughts of suicide.  Thoughts that my family and friends would be better off without me. Things are complicated at home but I think I made it worse.

“Depression is a very big word. What does it mean to you?”

Hmmmm…. I have had a feeling of complete futility. Of impending doom. That I am of no value to my family and loved ones. No motivation. I sit and stare most of the time. Hours pass. I feel I have not accomplished anything that I have set out to do.  I fell into a deep sense of loss and being out of control and began to drink heavily.  It was the only way I could feel somewhat normal and connected. But after too much I guess I got distanced.

“You talk of your family. How has your Depression impacted them?”

My Wife tried very hard for a long time. Others did too. They worked with me and…probably enabled me at times with other distractions.  My Wife worked very hard but it tired her out.  Our life is… complicated… and there are my kids, well, mostly just one of them as the other one lives with his birth mother.  I know she just didn’t feel that I was present for them and for her. That made it worse as I just felt more and more separated from them.  She would often say that all I did was drink beer and stare.  That was true. I just didn’t know how to get out of that.  I worked from home from the end of 2010 until the fall of 2011 and I think I was just coasting and hiding.

“Ok… now suppose that this session went really well and you left and did what you normally do for the rest of the day and then tomorrow you woke up and your Depression was suddenly gone.  What would that feel like to you?”

Wow…. I am not sure. It has been so long. I don’t remember what it is like to not feel Depressed. But… if I woke up not being Depressed I suppose I would feel a sense of Hope. A sense that the day would be good and I would feel alive.  I was thinking a couple of days ago as I went to bed that tomorrow will consist of waking up, having a shower, having coffee, dragging myself to work that I don’t enjoy, coming home, watching Storage Wars or something and then going to bed.  Everyday seems the same. I think that if I wasn’t Depressed I would have some drive to make the day different and fulfilling. I would be motivated.  I used to do so many things: like painting, writing, playing music, and now it is mostly staring at the floor.  If I wasn’t Depressed I think I would tackle things differently.

“So you do a lot of art and music and writing.  Or you did. What sorts of things make you happy or did? Even for a nanosecond”

Lately I have felt good after going to an AA meeting. I feel empowered and stronger. I feel part of something.  The Fellowship and the Group.  It helps. I feel good when I complete something. I just finished… mostly… a painting of my boys and it felt good to do it. It took longer than it would normally have taken because I took a lot of breaks and had to force myself to get back to it.  But it felt good to get it done. It worked. Of course, if it had not turned out right I would not be happy. But it did.  It feels good to get compliments at work. That is very hard to come by in this profession.  It feels good talking with my sons and my wife. It also feels good being with my maybe-girlfriend.

“So you did get a painting done. How did you do that if you were feeling so unmotivated?”

Force of will.  I have been trying very hard over the past couple of weeks to rise up above things: My Depression; my drinking; my mistakes.  I am forcing myself. I have to force myself to get out of bed. I have to set ahead of me goals so that I can feel I did something. Of accomplished something or made my life better or someone else’s life better. I just have to force myself. I go to AA meetings about five times a week.  I force myself to think that life is better than it is.

“If you were suddenly not Depressed what would someone see in you right off the bat?”

I guess I would appear more alive and strong.  My Dad keeps saying that he sees a massive difference in me lately. That I am stronger and thinner and healthier. I don’t see it yet but he says he does.  I have to say that I am feeling stronger and healthier.  I guess I might have blinders on.  I am used to not feeling well.  I am trying to get to the gym a few times a week on top of the AA meetings and that hurts but makes me feel better.  I think I am trying but right now there are so many hurdles in front of me that I know I have to cross and am wanting to but it seems daunting.

This was just a bit of the exchange between the counsellors and myself over the hour and a half. After, they left the room and went to discuss my case privately. After about 20 minutes they came back.

“What you are doing is hard.  It is no wonder that you are tired. Mentally tired.  You are working very hard at trying to get out of the Depression and the addictions.  But you should be proud of yourself. We were very impressed with your resolve and strength and willingness to understand what is going on and wanting to get through it.

“We would normally, at this point, outline some groups to attend to help but we feel that what you are doing with AA is enough for now. It should offer you the group and therapy you need and with the work you are doing on your own things should improve.  There is a group that starts in April on Depression if you feel at that point that it would be good.

“We encourage you to keep forcing yourself and painting and being with the ones you love and taking comfort from that affection. “

After two hours I left the centre feeling somewhat drained but at the same time a bit stronger. I appeared to be on the same path. They did not recommend follow-up sessions but asked that I call them in a month or so to let them know how I was doing.  I am not sure how this fits into the conditions set out by my Wife and Aglaia in terms of seeing a counsellor but I have to take the professional advice given.

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Conditions

If Life is not a Roller Coaster then, well, it most certainly is not a lazy float on a calm lake either.

I have been over to Aglaia’s place a couple of times so far and we have talked for hours over a multitude of things related and unrelated to the events of the past few weeks.  It has been both comforting and soothing at times and uneasy and heart wrenching at others.

I have been on my heels and have been leaving the interaction and direction to her. I feel I am not in a position to dictate the direction of the relationship as I have made it abundantly clear I was at fault and it is I that needs to mend the way.

Unfortunately I stepped back a little too far and she was disturbed by the lack of conversation coming from my side of the couch.  She prodded and I eventually gave in and opened up.

She needed a more concise apology from me and I strove to give her one. I reiterated as succinctly as I could how sorry I was for lying to her and for disappointing her and that I understand that by lying to not disappoint her I disappointed her more.  We talked of the common aspect of Lying in the life of an Alcoholic. When I think back on it, the only times I really lied was about beer and cigarettes. Addictions.  It makes no sense. It is the “mental twist” that happens in the mind of the addict. There is no justification and all there can be is a heartfelt apology and a promise to work through that and rid myself of the addictions that precipitate that behaviour.

We talked of our future as a relationship or a couple. She has some conditions:

  1. See a counselor
  2. Go through the 12 steps of AA
  3. Take my Meds and take the advice of the Doctor
  4. She wants my Wife to be ok with the relationship between Aglaia and I.
  5. Honesty
  6. Give her 3 presents a week
  7. Find her and her son a Doctor
  8. She wants a monkey that sings “To all the Girls I’ve Loved Before”.

I already have an appointment for an evaluation for a referral to a psychiatrist tomorrow. I am about to start in on working on Step 4 of the 12 Steps. I am back on my meds and have a plan set out with my Doctor to cut them out gradually.  Apparently Aglaia and my Wife have been communicating frequently and the conversations have been very friendly. I do not know what they are talking about but I don’t think I am worried…. I don’t think…   I have every intention to keep honesty at the forefront of the equation. I found her a Doctor.

The Monkey thing is going to be a tad difficult.

My Wife has been extremely supportive as well. While I am sure that she is wary of the extent of my progress towards recovery as she has seen me try before and fail, she is smiling at me and nodding knowingly when I say that I am feeling stronger. She wants to work on our relationship as well.  I think this is a fine situation and am all for it.  I miss her very much, as well as my Sons.

I want to make these changes for so many reasons: For myself and my mental and physical Health; For my Wife and Children; For Aglaia; For the safety of my Job; For all the Group that is helping me out with it.  I have tried to do this all before but this time there appears to be so much riding on it. There is so much out there that requires these changes.

I feel like I can succeed at this.

Except for finding the Monkey…. that may prove harder than it sounds.

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Hydra

Once battened down the hatches be

With violent roll the coal-black sea.

“I am alive!” my pain does proclaim

Beneath the beating of the rain.

 

The bow does rise to crest a wave

How predictable she does behave

Then back into the trough so dark

Where dreams and hope appear so stark

 

But with strength upon this midnight prow

I scream to the Heavens “Not now! Not Now!

Though the challenge be the angry sea

The tumultuous waves inside me be.

 

The many heads of Hydra rise

Above the mast and the seagulls’ cries.

To tempt me into the cold dark depths

To join the many of this ocean’s wrecks.

 

But with sharpened sword and mighty reach

I slay the heads as they try to breach

The inner sanctum of my soul’s warm heart

And fight away this menacing dark

 

And soon I know the waves will calm

And stars will shine and the sun will dawn

But around this Horn we must first go

If Peace and Love we later will know.

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Another Week

Friday.

Another week has gone by and this time rather quickly.  Which is good because it has been filled with temptations and realities. 

I have not had a drink since things went in the toilet last week.  I have not had a smoke either and that has left me edgy and preoccupied.  With each passing day as I lie down to sleep I am relieved that I made it through another day. It gives me strength. The mornings come, though, and I want that smoke with my coffee. As they are fond of saying in AA: ” just another 24 hours”.

I have been meeting in coffee shops with my sponsor regularly over the past week and doing study sessions from the Big Book.  He is a great man and very enlightened and his words are inspiring. The meetings have been great too, (except for one where it was chaotic and far from soothing… I won’t go back to that one.)  I truly enjoy and get a lot out of listening to the Old-Timers talk openly about their trials and tribulations.  It is very therapeutic.

My Wife and I are talking regularly and in soothing tones. My conversations with my Son have been good and lively.  While I feel very alone here I am glad I have them to talk to. There is much support coming across the waves to me from the distance.

Aglaia has been in contact through texts recently and that is very nice.  I miss her terribly. I want to be with her but I understand where I messed up and I understand why she is reluctant to pursue a relationship with me.  Perhaps someday I can figure out a way to prove to her I have changed.  If not, well, she will forever remain in my heart.

My weekend will probably be quiet. I will be going to another meeting tonight and then on Saturday work with my Sponsor and another meeting. We’ll see about Sunday.  Other than that I am not sure what the weekend will hold for me. I would like to do some painting but we will see.

All in all I am feeling a combination of resignation and peace. I am resigned to the fact that in order for good things to happen I needed to change and my Life will never be the same.  I feel a measure of Peace because I know that these changes will benefit my Life and those around me.

And there is also Hope. Hope that I will be a kind of man who deserves Love and can receive it without hurting others.

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Help … addendum

Someone made a comment to me regarding getting the help from others. It has obviously caused stress and problems solely relying on those close to me. It is just a hard hurdle to cross. It intensifies the aloneness I am feeling. The desperation that I have to go “outside” to seek help and cannot rely on those close to me anymore.
 
The meds things was certainly about wanting to take control of my life. Of not symbolically and physically relying on things to get me through.  I had to learn that limit too.  At times we all need help even in the form of chemicals, I guess.
 
I have to say though that I am not “happy”. I may be taking control of my life and making the right choices now but I am not happy. I am feeling very alone in this struggle and feeling a large weight on my shoulders. I feel heavy and slightly lost despite my desire to follow a certain path. I know it is not going to be easy and perhaps it is not supposed to be easy. I do not believe that all paths one takes to better themselves HAVE to be difficult. That is just silly and generalizing. But this path seems pretty hard to do alone without comfort and Love.  That does not mean to say that I want to be coddled or stroked along the way but some closeness and comfort would make it somewhat easier.  It just all seems to be very daunting when alone.  Then there is the nagging feeling that even when I reach some form of resolve and stability I will still be alone and will not have anyone to share my newfound strength with. No one but my Cat to enjoy sobriety and health and Life with on a day-to-day basis.  For everything there has to be a goal and it is better if that goal can be shared in some way.  I know I have to do this for myself first. That is a given. I have to take control and be better to myself.  There is certainly something to be said for the satisfaction one gets out of bettering themselves for that in itself but it is nice if it can be shared.
 
I do not want to be a better person and still be alone. I find no comfort in that.
 
Oh well.
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