She reached up and undid her hair clip and her dark hair fell majestically down and framed her face.
My heart skipped a beat and I completely lost my train of thought.
I had been speaking. Answering a question she had about something or other and when she released her hair and the soft colour of her skin and her funky glasses shone framed within a dark and shimmering glow of her hair.
We were having coffee at a café close to her house downtown. It was silent apart from her voice and her laughter. There was nothing else. Her voice echoed around the room louder than it really was and captivated me. Her laugh was infectious and we giggled and laughed at almost every word we uttered.
Unthinkingly I stammered over some answers as we discussed guilty pleasures in the form of TV shows and hobbies. What did I do in my times alone? What did she do? How are we within or not within society as a norm? How do we connect with society? How do we not?
The coffee disappeared, the conversation did not. The ring of her voice stifled any other sounds and thoughts of the time going by.
She is majestic. Deep and Lovely.
Twelve years my junior but so mature and full of world-enhanced life. I have rarely connected with someone so truly.
Right down to the spatters of multi-coloured paint on her leather boots and the long skirt and the knit pouch for her cell phone. She was… is lovely.
We spent two hours together at the café and it felt like an eternity until it was time to leave. Then it felt like a millisecond. I thought of the flowers I had brought her and hoped they would last longer than imagined so that I would stay within her thoughts when she saw them.
She took my arm as we left and I walked her home. I pressed it close to me. We embraced outside her door and then suddenly she went on her toes and kissed me quickly. I missed slightly and kissed only her bottom lip. I admonished myself for having been taken by surprise and not having the composure to connect more accurately. I immediately hoped for a second chance. Perhaps.
Then I was alone on the sidewalk in the winter air. The fine flakes of snow swirling around me.
I walked for a while in the brisk air, my feet slightly off the ground. The warmth of the coffee and the conversation pulsing through my body.
Her long dark hair cascading down around her face.
My thoughts hijacked.
“Her eyes as stars of twilight fair; Like twilight’s, too, her dusky hair. . . .”
– William Wordsworth
But what of this tangled web we weave as Polyamorists? My Wife and Girlfriend, thousands of miles away, are wonderful in their support as are her own partners she speaks of so fondly. It is freeing to feel such a level of support and sense of wellbeing.
But connections are different among every entanglement and this is no different. Each relationship has its focus and enjoinment. Each has its purpose and connection. Some are closer and more soulful. Some are connections of Deep everlasting Love. Some are of bonding of minds. Some are of insatiable sexual attraction. Some are of all of the above.
I am trying to assess my connection with Her. There is a depth of connection that pervades many levels. She wills me to Live and to uphold my bonds with Life and those around me. It has only been two dates but I feel a kinship and heartfelt connection.
With each quick touch of her hand to my knee as she spoke I felt the electricity of our connection. Whether true or not, it was there to me. I yearned for the next contact.
There is a level of confusion that arises with a Poly way of living. How do we rate our relationships? Some use terms such as Primary and Secondary and Tertiary. That all sounds too clinical and mathematic to suffice. Each relationship brings with it a new and different set of parameters and value. None are without merit. With Her I feel a confusing level of value. I struggle to relate this value without unconsciously diminishing the value of other relationships. I do not want to do this. But the feeling is so pervasive. So stomach churning.
She will read this Blog and I do not know how she will react. My Wife and Girlfriend will read this Blog and I do not know how they will react. Part of me is apprehensive and worried about the repercussions. Will my Wife feel that she is superseded in the area of a soulful connection? Will my Girlfriend feel she is relegated to a sideline? I hope not. If so then there is a problem, an intrinsic problem with the Poly values we hold so dear to ourselves. Every relationship is of great value if willed to be.
My heart is with my Wife and my Girlfriend but it bleeds achingly for this new woman. She glows so intensely.
I feel young and alive as if a Christmas gift early. I leave this coming Saturday to be home for the Holidays with my whole family together. I am looking forward to it with all my heart. But I know I will be thinking of this Woman as I travel and as I return.
She glows so intensely.