I am so full of thoughts right now.
I am trying to quit smoking and the process is terribly consuming. I strive to find things to fill my time. Smoking for me was also a type of measurement of time and a way to break up the day while at work. “Ok, let’s get up, go outside and have a smoke.” A treat for some time well-spent.
Now I stare at the clock at the bottom right of the screen and wish it to move faster. But it will not. It ignores me and might possibly, perhaps, slow down just in spite.
My family and friends are supportive but it does not change the fact that I must do this completely on my own.
The other thing which moves through my mind is Her.
I am seeing Her again tonight to watch a movie or something and I am terribly eager for the time to pass between now and then. She dances like a newly fallen leaf caught in a Fall breeze. My thoughts of her are all-consuming and joyful.
She texted me yesterday simply to tell me She actually missed me. I was taken aback but so dearly delighted. I truthfully told her that I missed her too.
I can’t tell if the knot in my stomach is the urge to smoke or the urge to see Her. Probably both.
I found myself looking again at her pictures last night on Facebook. She is so lovely. The pictures of her teaching Children are beautiful as are those professional shots with exquisite makeup and dazzling clothing. She appears to be such a lively soul.
My Girlfriend, who has been reading this blog and listening to me on the phone, asked if I was falling in Love and I immediately laughed and said that that would be silly given the shortness of this courtship. Yet She does tug at my Soul.
I am not afraid of Love. So many are. It is not the Love which they are afraid of but the prospect of losing it. Love is a chemical, physical and emotional state. None of which you can control. The trick is to not expect it or force it or imagine it. If it is true you will no doubt feel it and at first you will not know what it is. It will feel like pain and worry and anxiety when alone, and joy when you are near to that person. It will be as if the cure to your illness is proximity to that other person.
It is also true that the simple act of using the word “Love” has changed so significantly over the last century or two. It used to be that the term “Making Love” could be the simple act of sitting together in the shade of a large tree and sharing a heartfelt conversation. Now admitting you Love someone is a moment worthy of cinematic cameras and heart wrenching music. The crescendo of a three act play. The pinnacle of the journey.
Polyamory means “many Loves”. It is also about admittance and connection with your own self. The connection between you and your partners and families. It is the realization that Love is not finite and relegated to that single pinnacle of the search. The finding of Love can be anywhere.
So, as I was asked: Am I in Love?
Not yet, I don’t think, but I would not turn it away if it made me sick.