Control

My Wife tells me not to lose my perspective.

I am not sure what that means.  When she elaborated it was to say that I need to remain grounded through the relationship with Her.

In contrast I think I am very grounded.  As much as one can be when they are in Helpless Love.  Being in Love at the beginning means nothing short of losing oneself.  This is natural and expected. That is why friends and family jump on you when it happens. You change. You appear distant and frantic.  You want total acceptance of these feelings by everyone and if you don’t get it for whatever reason, you become defensive.

I know that my Family is only trying to keep me grounded but at this point I don’t want to touch the ground.  I want to fly. I feel I can fly.

It is not expected that other people will understand.  There is always a collective amnesia when it comes to Love and NRE. We succumb to it when it happens but later, when the feelings dissipate, it is but a memory at first and then there is complete forgetfulness.

I watched my Wife go through it with my Brother Husband. She was beside herself and she spent hours in her bedroom texting with him and sneaking off with him during the day. (not sneaking from me, just from others.)  It was me who finally broached the subject of her being in Love.  It was so obvious.

But never once did I ask her to calm down and get grounded.  I envied her the feelings and knew that they are of the best in the world.  I wanted her to be happy and being with him and texting him seemed to make her happy except when he was away and the prospect of seeing him was difficult. Then she was despondent and withdrawn.

I talk to my Wife every day and sometimes twice a day. I try to relay the emotions I am feeling but often I am met with reluctance or subdued reciprocation.  She cautions me which I know is a loving thing to do.  She wants what is best for me and does not want me to get hurt or to “go overboard”.

In contrast I am in an Abyss of Love. And I feel I have not reached the bottom yet. The feelings are so pervasive and all-consuming.  Each time She and I are together it has been electric and fabulous.  We have still not Made Love and I am feeling so satisfied when I am with her. She makes me laugh and think and Love. It is joyous.  We talk every day and plan the next time we can get together.  Then it is a waiting game until that next date.

I do not want to “calm down”. I do not want to “get control” of myself. I am enjoying this sickness too much.  I feel alive.

I know my Wife and Brother Husband only want what is best and want to protect me and given past occurrences I can understand that. I have been hurt before and that hurt them. And while I don’t have a crystal ball that will tell the future, the only thing I can do is hope for the best and to believe that this Love is real.

What else is there to do?

If we go through Life thinking that Love will always end and that there is no hope to relationships and that we need to step back and analyze then where would we be?  We would be nowhere.

Sometimes you just have to leap and hope that something will catch your fall.

Right now I feel cradled in Her arms.

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