While in the throes of a new relationship you are completely wrapped up in that person. It is so hard to focus and to think of the world around you.
In Polyamory we are accepting a Truth, however: There is the capacity to Love more than one person.
The other Truth is that no matter how much you subscribe to the first Truth, Jealousy never truly goes away.
The Ethical Slut talks of Jealousy as stating that you just have to “Own it” and to accept that it is part of your life but not to be taken over by it and to work on it. To be Polyamorous does not mean that Jealousy goes away, we just deal with it differently.
Often there is a combination of Compersion and Jealousy at the same time.
When my Wife started dating my Brother Husband there was a great measure of both that fluctuated back and forth. I was terribly happy for her and encouraged her immensely. At the same time I was somewhat Jealous of their time together and Passion. I often asked myself why there was not that Passion between my Wife and I. Why she and he would stop everything to kiss in the middle of the kitchen? Why she and he got to sleep together every night while I slept in my own room? Why the World had turned upside down? Why, in another Polyamory term, he had become the Primary and I had become the Secondary?
All that said, I have never stopped feeling Compersion for them. And especially now that I am so far away I am supremely glad that he is there for her and she has him. That my Son has him as well. But there is also Jealousy in that: Why does he get to have her and I don’t?
Oh well… I Own It.
With Her I am also experiencing these two emotions.
When she talks of her other Partner that is away I am Happy that she has that communication. She talks of their extreme Passion when they are together sexually. Of their Love while they have difficulties. She talks of how they can communicate for hours. I am Jealous of these things. I am already thinking of the times when he comes to visit. Will I be thrust out into the snow while they rekindle their relationship?
These are all things that Polyamory confronts us with and are realities that we must overcome. I know that I won’t be tossed out into the cold when he comes but I will have to see her less. I will have to give them time. I will miss her. I will think of them together and will simultaneously be Happy for her and Jealous.
Right now I want to spend all of my time with her and I can’t think of having to stay away.
But I recognize the reality and I own it.