Silence

She has commented that I am quiet. She on the other hand is very communicative and I am learning so much about her.  I Love it.  There are very few silences except for when we are completely lost in each other.  When I am silent She waits patiently then asks what is on my mind.  Often it is simply that I Love her and my thoughts are repeating themselves that She is beautiful and so alive and wonderful.

I am scared I am being repetitive.

We are in that stage of a Relationship where we are dramatically searching to Know each other both in Mind and Body.

I fear I am not opening up enough with my past to Her. I fear she is thinking this as well.

I have told Her that this is a part of me.  I have been honest that I tend to be a quiet person and I tend to process my thoughts before speaking. There appears to be so much in my past that is complicated and difficult and it is hard to simply voice these things with any degree of clarity.

I know my Past will come to light with Her as I open up more.  I hope She can be patient enough for that.

There is a part of me that wants, within this letter, to simply blurt out all of my Past in a form of autobiography. But I know that would be difficult and probably a slog of a read:

I have been through three divorces; I have been raped by my Scout Master when I was 15. I have had affairs. I have drank too much. I have lived on the Street. I have three degrees. I have worked on Tall Ships and in Retail and as a daycare worker. I have fought with both parents and my relationship with my Sister is vapid.  I have no relationship with my Mother now. I have lived in seven Provinces and Territories of Canada. I have voted Conservative, Liberal and NDP. I have experienced horrible Racism and as such have struggled with my own as a result. I have been In Love and I have seen Love dissipate. I have been the subject of spousal abuse and have been bloodied while I lie in bed fending off a hurled lamp and fists. I have suffered from deep Depression and from Seizures.

But for all of this to come out I need time and the maturity of a relationship.

My Wife and I almost rarely “Talk” about our issues of my Past or hers.  We have aired all of our Laundry over the years and now there are often long Silences on the phone as we simply take in the Silence almost as a form of comfort.  We Know each other to such a degree. There is comfort and life-giving Love. And as a result there is Silence.

This can and does call our Relationship into question. This Silence can be misunderstood as being a sign of a deterioration of our Love. Of such a casual Relationship that there is nothing to say and perhaps nothing to give or take.

This is especially true when that Relationship is compared to my Relationship with Her. They seem on opposite ends of the Spectrum. In almost all degrees. There is Passion and Intensity and a spilling of the Heart to each other. Then there is Silence and History and Knowing with the other.

There is Love in both but the Love is different. Both are real and true but completely different.

There has been discussion on NRE within the Polyamory Society  of late. There is an article that was circulated on it to the group.  It is a very clear indication of how it started as it was brought forth by my Girlfriend and immediately sent to my Wife and Brother Husband who commented right away.  The conversation on-line has been popular and lots of comments have been made. There is a warning in the article and it is hard for Her and I to not feel a bit singled out.

Both She and I are dealing with relationships where the NRE has certainly faded into something else. Some components still remain but others have changed. She can talk for hours with her distant partner but the distance is also there in their relationship as well as in the miles.  They also seem to still have a sexual desire for each other. But things have changed in a different way. I am slightly jealous of this (oh my…).  I wish that my Wife and I could talk for hours and have a sexual relationship that is passionate and alive.

But regardless, while I may not be a “Talker” as much as much as others I am not being secretive or distant. I am processing and thinking. And there are times when words just cannot explain my feelings or past.

That being said I will work on this and try.

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