Things have certainly been a bit of rollercoaster over the past week.
I was convinced that my Wife was about to leave me.
“We are done.” She said.
And, while understandably, her support for the changes I was about to make in terms of drinking and smoking and reducing my meds had waned. She had nothing left to give me.
I know that I had put her through a very tough time over the past three years and always, honestly, expected her to bolt.
She never did though until last week.
At least that is what I thought.
Through tears from both sides we have been talking through things. We have gradually over the past week been more and more open with each other. A small light started to appear again at the end of a very long tunnel.
The seeming erosion of our marriage and relationship was being blamed on a number of things, not the least of which was Poly. Had we made the wrong decision to follow this way of living? Had we been wrong in thinking we were strong enough to handle the complications and needed communication and the added pressure of maintaining more than one relationship? We were just destined to become Serial Polyamorists?
I blamed my Brother Husband often or at least his introduction to our family dynamic. Things, in retrospect seemed to start to erode when that relationship got into full swing.
But the reality is very different on clearer observation.
I needed to realize that the problems in our marriage had nothing to do with my Brother Husband and Poly. It was within us. It was something that we needed to work through. It was a realization that a relationship is an evolution.
We had changed our dynamic but not for the worse. It was just different.
We still Love each other and I Love my Brother Husband. I am pleased with the decisions we have made.
My Wife is a wonderful woman. She is smart and beautiful and caring. She is an excellent Mother. She is great in bed. She has the ability to Love abundantly in the form that is most appropriate. She is challenged at times by the responsibilities she feels she has and this makes sense. But she does not back down. And if she appears to it is because she needs time to process. She is strong and always bounces back.
This is what has happened. She needed time to process and to re-evaluate and then come back regrouped.
I am desperately in Love with her. She is very important to me. For many reasons.
It has been almost an instinct for her in the past to run. Like a bunny she has bounced away from issues that have made it hard for her. She used to call herself a commitment-phobe. I had to actually convince her to officially marry me. She almost ran from the Marriage Licence office. But she has changed and is fighting for us. She recognizes the challenges of our life and wants to foster a workable solution to both distance and other Loves. She is clear she does not want to lose me.
I don’t want to lose her as well.
Our relationship has changed significantly and we recognize that and want to work with the new for it has taken. There is no past at this present. There is only the future and how we work it.
There is a possibility of an abundance of Love with Poly and while things may morph into other arrangement none are lesser for it. It all takes strength and perseverance and communication and Love.
She put it all together rather well in an email today:
“You are my beautiful artist. You nurture my creative side.
(Brother Husband) is work husband, my domestic partner and my fishing buddy.
You are the father and co-creator of the beautiful soul (our son).
(Brother Husband) makes me feel desired.
You make me feel free.
I want to feel your essence inside of me, inspiring me and coaxing me to be my fullest self.
I know you feel like you dabble in a lot of things but are not ‘successful’ in any one. Let success be in the eyes of the one that sees all the beautiful ways you can express yourself. I believe in you.”
These words resonate and I feel very alive when reading them.
She is a beautiful woman and we are good for each other through whatever comes.