Well… I got the tattoo yesterday and was feeling very strong and full of life. The tattoo means a lot to me. It is from a story told to me by Aglaia that stuck in my head. It represents so much of my life over the past while. Through all of my troubles I just need to make the best of things and to enjoy life.
Eat the strawberries.
So… feeling strong and alive I decided to dig into the un-thrown out beer and have one. I also dug out the unfinished pack of smokes and had one. I sat in my living room and initially felt I was celebrating and congratulating myself. Then the regret kicked in and I brushed my teeth and turned on the air purifier.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I should have known better. I should have congratulated my strength with more strength and resolve.
But… as Fate has a way of teaching you a lesson, guess who showed up at my door.
The one and only time she has ventured across the city and entered my hovel I had had a beer and a smoke.
Thank you Fate.
She was worried that I had gotten the tattoo for her and that I was overly attached. I explained to her that I got it for myself and would have regardless of our relationship.
HAving a nose of expert quality she confronted me on the smoke and the beer.
The deal was that I would not lie to her.
I felt so guilty and stupid. I told her what had happened but she did not believe me. She, rightly so, assumed that, as an alcoholic I could not just have one. But it had been only one and I was regretting it.
I was frustrated and cried.
She was upset at me and left in a hurry.
I cried some more and begged her through texts to come back and to not leave me.
Our plan was to spend the weekend together and now she has said that she needs the weekend to think.
After a week of only seeing her once this will be terribly difficult. Especially having to spend it dealing with my guilt.
Dumb Dumb Dumb