Someone made a comment to me regarding getting the help from others. It has obviously caused stress and problems solely relying on those close to me. It is just a hard hurdle to cross. It intensifies the aloneness I am feeling. The desperation that I have to go “outside” to seek help and cannot rely on those close to me anymore.
The meds things was certainly about wanting to take control of my life. Of not symbolically and physically relying on things to get me through. I had to learn that limit too. At times we all need help even in the form of chemicals, I guess.
I have to say though that I am not “happy”. I may be taking control of my life and making the right choices now but I am not happy. I am feeling very alone in this struggle and feeling a large weight on my shoulders. I feel heavy and slightly lost despite my desire to follow a certain path. I know it is not going to be easy and perhaps it is not supposed to be easy. I do not believe that all paths one takes to better themselves HAVE to be difficult. That is just silly and generalizing. But this path seems pretty hard to do alone without comfort and Love. That does not mean to say that I want to be coddled or stroked along the way but some closeness and comfort would make it somewhat easier. It just all seems to be very daunting when alone. Then there is the nagging feeling that even when I reach some form of resolve and stability I will still be alone and will not have anyone to share my newfound strength with. No one but my Cat to enjoy sobriety and health and Life with on a day-to-day basis. For everything there has to be a goal and it is better if that goal can be shared in some way. I know I have to do this for myself first. That is a given. I have to take control and be better to myself. There is certainly something to be said for the satisfaction one gets out of bettering themselves for that in itself but it is nice if it can be shared.
I do not want to be a better person and still be alone. I find no comfort in that.