I can’t count how many times I have been told to “get Help” over the past month. Both by Brother Husband, my Wife and Aglaia. It was getting repetitive and there is a point where it just started to become a white noise in the background. At first it hurts and then I would get defensive and then after a bit I would just start to ignore it.
But Finally, after reflection and when things dive deeper into a hole of one’s own making, I start to listen to the advice.
I do need Help.
But I have been always hoping that Help would come from those I Love. How could opening up to a stranger in a well decorated room be any better than baring one’s soul to a Loved One? How could they possible feel compassion and understanding?
But now, in the absence of anyone around to help with the inner workings of my mind, I feel I am at an impasse. Aglaia has left me. My Wife is 4000 miles away. I am surrounded by very old friends which means we are not all that connected anymore. I had dinner with one of them last night and he really wanted to talk about my problems. It was nice and it felt good to talk.
“Get Help” I have been told.
I am seeing my Sponsor three times a week to go through the 12 Steps and the Big Book and then going to the meetings. I feel that this will help and work well with the drinking. But there are things that I have developed in mannerisms that are both intrinsically linked to a life of drinking and have permeated me. My Sponsor is clear that Lying and Hiding is a massive component of being an Alcoholic and by working through the Steps and taking stock of my Life I will come to terms with this and gain control. But I feel I do need to attack things from another angle as well. I need to deal with my defensiveness and my Lying and my lack of self-esteem that fuels everything negative about my Life. I probably still just need to talk about being Poly and how that has affected my Life and my relationships. I need to tackle the fear that I will from now on always be alone and will not know the lasting closeness of physical Love. I feel my Love will from now on be Pure and Plutonic but Passion will elude me. I feel I may be relegated to being a Father-From-A-Distance. I feel I may be destined to spend most of my time Alone. To be a Cat-Man.
Poly in Principle.
I am being referred to a Therapist for my issues and I hope it helps. It will, of course, be up to me to see if it works. I know that much.
It is difficult to accept that the only help I can get now are from strangers. From my Sponsor and from a Therapist. It is hard to feel that I am left alone by my Loved ones to seek the comfort of Strangers.
“Get Help.” …. “but not from me.”
I know this makes sense however as I cannot expect the people around me to take on this challenge. But as with the feeling I have had over the past three years, it is again left up to me. I am the broken one and I am inflicting pain and I need to walk into the desert and find my own cure. Come back when I am better.
Guilt and self-deprecation makes for a Lonely Life.
I know there is support however. Support from my Wife who is kind and gentle on the phone and from the early words of Aglaia. She wishes to distance herself and at this point she has said that she will be there when I am better. I am not sure how to exactly prove that to her, though. Will I receive a certificate or a tattoo that states I am Better and that I can show her and resume our relationship? Also it is somewhat presumptuous to think that I would be worth it to her after time has passed. I do not know what measuring stick will be used. She does not want me to lie to her and to get frustrated and defensive. I wholeheartedly agree with those wants and I want that too. But at some point it will have to only be a leap of faith for her again and perhaps she will not want to do that again. We’ll see.
So here I am on a journey alone again with the guidance of strangers.
All I can say to those that Love me is that I am Getting Help and am following a Path. I will work on maintaining this Path and maintaining Hope that I can regain the Trust of the ones that Love me.