If Life is not a Roller Coaster then, well, it most certainly is not a lazy float on a calm lake either.
I have been over to Aglaia’s place a couple of times so far and we have talked for hours over a multitude of things related and unrelated to the events of the past few weeks. It has been both comforting and soothing at times and uneasy and heart wrenching at others.
I have been on my heels and have been leaving the interaction and direction to her. I feel I am not in a position to dictate the direction of the relationship as I have made it abundantly clear I was at fault and it is I that needs to mend the way.
Unfortunately I stepped back a little too far and she was disturbed by the lack of conversation coming from my side of the couch. She prodded and I eventually gave in and opened up.
She needed a more concise apology from me and I strove to give her one. I reiterated as succinctly as I could how sorry I was for lying to her and for disappointing her and that I understand that by lying to not disappoint her I disappointed her more. We talked of the common aspect of Lying in the life of an Alcoholic. When I think back on it, the only times I really lied was about beer and cigarettes. Addictions. It makes no sense. It is the “mental twist” that happens in the mind of the addict. There is no justification and all there can be is a heartfelt apology and a promise to work through that and rid myself of the addictions that precipitate that behaviour.
We talked of our future as a relationship or a couple. She has some conditions:
- See a counselor
- Go through the 12 steps of AA
- Take my Meds and take the advice of the Doctor
- She wants my Wife to be ok with the relationship between Aglaia and I.
- Give her 3 presents a week
- Find her and her son a Doctor
- She wants a monkey that sings “To all the Girls I’ve Loved Before”.
I already have an appointment for an evaluation for a referral to a psychiatrist tomorrow. I am about to start in on working on Step 4 of the 12 Steps. I am back on my meds and have a plan set out with my Doctor to cut them out gradually. Apparently Aglaia and my Wife have been communicating frequently and the conversations have been very friendly. I do not know what they are talking about but I don’t think I am worried…. I don’t think… I have every intention to keep honesty at the forefront of the equation. I found her a Doctor.
The Monkey thing is going to be a tad difficult.
My Wife has been extremely supportive as well. While I am sure that she is wary of the extent of my progress towards recovery as she has seen me try before and fail, she is smiling at me and nodding knowingly when I say that I am feeling stronger. She wants to work on our relationship as well. I think this is a fine situation and am all for it. I miss her very much, as well as my Sons.
I want to make these changes for so many reasons: For myself and my mental and physical Health; For my Wife and Children; For Aglaia; For the safety of my Job; For all the Group that is helping me out with it. I have tried to do this all before but this time there appears to be so much riding on it. There is so much out there that requires these changes.
I feel like I can succeed at this.
Except for finding the Monkey…. that may prove harder than it sounds.