Help

I can’t count how many times I have been told to “get Help” over the past month.  Both by Brother Husband, my Wife and Aglaia.  It was getting repetitive and there is a point where it just started to become a white noise in the background. At first it hurts and then I would get defensive and then after a bit I would just start to ignore it.

But Finally, after reflection and when things dive deeper into a hole of one’s own making, I start to listen to the advice.

I do need Help.

But I have been always hoping that Help would come from those I Love. How could opening up to a stranger in a well decorated room be any better than baring one’s soul to a Loved One?  How could they possible feel compassion and understanding?

But now, in the absence of anyone around to help with the inner workings of my mind, I feel I am at an impasse.  Aglaia has left me. My Wife is 4000 miles away. I am surrounded by very old friends which means we are not all that connected anymore. I had dinner with one of them last night and he really wanted to talk about my problems. It was nice and it felt good to talk.

“Get Help” I have been told.

I am seeing my Sponsor three times a week to go through the 12 Steps and the Big Book and then going to the meetings.  I feel that this will help and work well with the drinking.  But there are things that I have developed in mannerisms that are both intrinsically linked to a life of drinking and have permeated me. My Sponsor is clear that Lying and Hiding is a massive component of being an Alcoholic and by working through the Steps and taking stock of my Life I will come to terms with this and gain control. But I feel I do need to attack things from another angle as well. I need to deal with my defensiveness and my Lying and my lack of self-esteem that fuels everything negative about my Life. I probably still just need to talk about being Poly and how that has affected my Life and my relationships. I need to tackle the fear that I will from now on always be alone and will not know the lasting closeness of physical Love. I feel my Love will from now on be Pure and Plutonic but Passion will elude me. I feel I may be relegated to being a Father-From-A-Distance. I feel I may be destined to spend most of my time Alone. To be a Cat-Man.

Poly in Principle.

I am being referred to a Therapist for my issues and I hope it helps. It will, of course, be up to me to see if it works. I know that much.

It is difficult to accept that the only help I can get now are from strangers. From my Sponsor and from a Therapist. It is hard to feel that I am left alone by my Loved ones to seek the comfort of Strangers.

“Get Help.” …. “but not from me.”

I know this makes sense however as I cannot expect the people around me to take on this challenge.  But as with the feeling I have had over the past three years, it is again left up to me. I am the broken one and I am inflicting pain and I need to walk into the desert and find my own cure. Come back when I am better.

Guilt and self-deprecation makes for a Lonely Life.

I know there is support however. Support from my Wife who is kind and gentle on the phone and from the early words of Aglaia. She wishes to distance herself and at this point she has said that she will be there when I am better. I am not sure how to exactly prove that to her, though. Will I receive a certificate or a tattoo that states I am Better and that I can show her and resume our relationship? Also it is somewhat presumptuous to think that I would be worth it to her after time has passed.  I do not know what measuring stick will be used. She does not want me to lie to her and to get frustrated and defensive. I wholeheartedly agree with those wants and I want that too. But at some point it will have to only be a leap of faith for her again and perhaps she will not want to do that again.  We’ll see.

So here I am on a journey alone again with the guidance of strangers.

All I can say to those that Love me is that I am Getting Help and am following a Path.  I will work on maintaining this Path and maintaining Hope that I can regain the Trust of the ones that Love me.

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Inside

Inside the doors are sealed to love
Inside my heart is sleeping
Inside the fingers of my glove
Inside the bones of my right hand
Inside it’s colder than the stars
Inside the dogs are weeping
Inside the circus of the wind
Inside the clocks are filled with sand
Inside she’ll never hurt me
Inside the winter’s creeping
Inside the compass of the night
Inside the folding of the land

Outside the stars are turning
Outside the world’s still burning

Inside my head’s a box of stars I never dared to open
Inside the wounded hide their scars, inside this lonesome sparrow’s fall
Inside the songs of our defeat, they sing of treaties broken
Inside this army’s in retreat, we hide beneath the thunder’s call

Outside the rain keeps falling
Outside the drums are calling
Outside the flood won’t wait
Outside they’re hammering down the gate

-Sting

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There’s a hole In My Life

Yeah, yeah, yeah
There’s a hole in my life
There’s a hole in my life

Shadow in my heart
Is tearing me apart
Or maybe it’s just something in my stars

There’s a hole in my life
There’s a hole in my life
Be a happy man
I try the best I can
Or maybe I’m just looking for too much

There’s something missing from my life
Cuts me open like a knife
It leaves me vulnerable
I have this disease
I shake like an incurable
God help me, please
Oh, there’s a hole in my life
There’s a hole in my life
Yeah, yeah, yeah

-The Police

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Cry

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry crycry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry crycry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry crycry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry crycry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry crycry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

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cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry crycry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry crycry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

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Pain

“We still hadn’t learned, though, that growing up is all about getting hurt. And then getting over it. You hurt. You recover. You move on. Odds are pretty good you’re just going to get hurt again. But each time, you learn something.Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There’s the little empty pain of leaving something behind – graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There’s the big, whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There’s the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn’t give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life they grow and learn. There’s the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens.

And if you’re very, very lucky, there are a very few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth, which at the same time cannot possibly last – and yet will remain with you for life.

Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don’t feel it.

Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”

-Jim Butcher (copied from from my Wife)

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Dumb Dumb Dumb

Well… I got the tattoo yesterday and was feeling very strong and full of life. The tattoo means a lot to me. It is from a story told to me by Aglaia that stuck in my head.  It represents so much of my life over the past while.  Through all of my troubles I just need to make the best of things and to enjoy life.

Eat the strawberries.

So… feeling strong and alive I decided to dig into the un-thrown out beer and have one. I also dug out the unfinished pack of smokes and had one. I sat in my living room and initially felt I was celebrating and congratulating myself. Then the regret kicked in and I brushed my teeth and turned on the air purifier.

Stupid stupid stupid.

I should have known better. I should have congratulated my strength with more strength and resolve.

Stupid.

But… as Fate has a way of teaching you a lesson, guess who showed up at my door. 

Aglaia.

The one and only time she has ventured across the city and entered my hovel I had had a beer and a smoke.

Thank you Fate.

She was worried that I had gotten the tattoo for her and that I was overly attached.  I explained to her that I got it for myself and would have regardless of our relationship.

HAving a nose of expert quality she confronted me on the smoke and the beer.

The deal was that I would not lie to her.

I felt so guilty and stupid. I told her what had happened but she did not believe me. She, rightly so, assumed that, as an alcoholic I could not just have one. But it had been only one and I was regretting it.

I was frustrated and cried.

She was upset at me and left in a hurry.

I cried some more and begged her through texts to come back and to not leave me.

Our plan was to spend the weekend together and now she has said that she needs the weekend to think.

After a week of only seeing her once this will be terribly difficult. Especially having to spend it dealing with my guilt.

Dumb Dumb Dumb

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In the Deapest of Dispair… Ask.

The rain fell like a cannonade of shards of glass.

The jungle was dark and filled with the scurrying of insects and lit eyeballs of hidden creatures too scared of what light was left.

He ran.

The trees and giant leaves of the jungle blurred past and overhead as he sped through the jungle path. His breath and heartbeat obliterating all other sound.

A growl grew behind him. A piercing howl of a monkey ricocheted somewhere above him. Feces rained down on him.

He tripped on a large root that snaked across the path and was flung headlong into the mud.

The growls and hisses approached closer. The rumbling of large padded paws.

He rose and continued running. His sweat mingled with the hard rain.

Headlong he ran with no thought of his destination. With no thought but safety and peace.

Suddenly the onslaught of rain increased dramatically and the darkness of the jungle lifted slightly. For a moment he felt safer and felt his options were more open to him. Free of the path and free of the oppressiveness of the jungle.

Then the slope of the ground increased. The mud made havoc of his footing and he slid.

Screaming with a voice he could not hear he slid down the slope and then realized it was the edge of precipice. He twisted and his fingers dug into the wet earth trying to slow his decent. To no avail.

The head and shoulders of the first beast came out of the jungle and padded toward him at an amazing rate of speed. The second close behind him. In his hyper-sense of reality he could see the saliva dripping from their sharp teeth and their rabid tongues drooping and flapping to the side.

Over the edge he went.

His stomach lurched as he fell. His feet and hands flailing to find some purchase on the cliff face.

Finally he found a branch and his hands and fingers connected. He found a foot hold and steadied himself.

He was ten feet from the top of the cliff. The heads of the Beasts peered over the edge of the cliff down at him. Growling and swaying their heads in frustration.

He peered below him and in the strike of lightening saw that the fall was several hundred feet below him to sharp rocks and a dribbling stream.

A silence enveloped him as he clung to the cliff face.  All time seemed to stop. He lowered his head and peered deeply into the rock and mud in front of him.

He looked to his left in search of a larger ledge on which he could rest.

Nothing.

He looked to his right and saw nothing but a clinging bush of bright strawberries.  They defied the darkness and glowed with intensity.

He looked above and the beasts still lingering at the cliff edge frustrated and angry.

He peered below him and in a vision saw his crumpled body lying atop the sharp stones.

He looked to the strawberry bush.

He looked to the sky.

Through the hard rain he yelled at the heavens: “What should I do?”

There was a break in the rain for a moment.

A lightning strike lit up the beasts above and the abyss below.

“Eat the strawberries.” Said the Heavens in a voice clear in his head that overpowered the beating of his heart and the rasping of his breath.

“Eat the strawberries.”

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